From Bob's desk

Another big hello to all my friends and readers out there on the www. Again it's been awhile since I updated my website and I know I should get my finger out. But I seem to get distracted.

So where do I start? Well, first up... The other day I found a box of old letters that were years old and got lost when I moved the mail order, T-shirt thing up to Terrigal. There were some great letters amongst them and I'd never replied to a single one. One bloke in gaol, asking for a few books for the library included the words, 'Please Mr Barrett. If you could just find it in your heart.' Didn't I feel like a nice dropkick when I came across that one! But if I start replying now, to people who wrote to me years ago, they'll think I'm weirder than I already am! So if you're reading this and you wrote to me a while back and never got a reply, I'm truly sorry. However, if you're the forgiving type and you want to try again, I've got things sorted out a bit better now and you should get a reply this time.

Now. What have I been up to? Well...I finished another book, The Tesla Legacy. There's an old saying which I repeat ad-nauseum - self praise is no recommendation. None the less - I reckon this is a pretty good book. But whether you like it or not, I busted my arse writing the thing and almost drank myself into an early grave! Not to mention the sleep deprivation I was forced to suffer.

The day I dragged my fat arse and my backpack full of gear up Burning Mountain, it was 40 degrees in the shade. It's an hour's hike and when you get there covered in sweat with your ring hanging out, you arrive at this huge, smouldering mound of hot ash with the wind blowing sulphurous gas everywhere. The view's nice - but Lindeman Island it ain't. Then after you get your breath back, guzzle down some water, take some photos, notes and video the place, you have to haul your fat arse down again! I was absolutely rooted when I got back to the car. Like a man possessed, I drove flat out to Murrirundi and poured three schooners of Hahn Lite down my throat in about a minute flat. The first one didn't even touch the sides! Fair dinkum - the things I do for my readers. That was the first trip out to the far reaches of the Hunter Valley.

The next time I went with navigator and artist, Di Human. We stayed at Scone, cruised the hood, checked out the punters and the surroundings, and Saturday night I hit the Belmore Hotel to get a feel for the plot, have a drink, peruse the pub scene and show the locals how to get down. Have a drink? Crikey! With the help of Di, Rihana the publican and her sister, Layla, I must have drunk enough Jack Daniels to fill ten Olympic swimming pools! I stayed back after closing time and around 3am Di wheeled me back to my room in an Otto bin.

Was I crook the next day? I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. I could hardly talk... It was awful! Of course nothing coffee, soda water, a couple of Panadeine Forte, two Digesics and ten milligrams of Lorazepam couldn't fix. I don't remember much about Di driving me home - I'd blissed out. But the trips to Scone were good. It's a great town and I met some nice people. As to my sleep deprivation - I did stay in a tiny room at a hotel in Musswellbrook with the disco right beneath my room. And a drunk did come knocking on my door looking for some scrubber sharing her favours in a room further along the corridor. And with all respect to the pub and the locals, everything was pretty much as I described it in the book. I just wasn't game enough to take any photos.

But the book turned out grouse. The locations are good and there's some snappy dialogue. Nikola Tesla in the background and all the conspiracy surrounding him gives it impetus. There's some good characters, there's no obscenities and the sex scenes are handled with the utmost decorum. And what about Jesse Osbourne? How good a woman is she? As well as being a genius, she drinks schooners, eats T-bone steaks and flattens any mugs who try to put shit on her. Mark Vincent the boyfriend's a good bloke too. And if you want to know where I'm coming from about Nikola Tesla - look him up on the web. He was an unbelievable human being.

As for the warning on the back of the book about religious references - as well as the constant blaspheming, American NSA agents get around posing as Mormons. When the two ASIO agents are driving along the highway, they crack a couple of corny Muslim jokes. And with all respect to Muslims - they're not actually noted for their foot-stomping, knee-slapping sense of humour. You saw what happened to poor old Salman Rushdie and what went down in Denmark. So rather than get a Jihad put out on me and have a mob of hate-crazed, bearded fanatics storm the HarperCollins building for a book-burning over two piss-weak jokes - the publishers and myself decided to put that warning on the back of the book. So there - you've been warned. If you dig Joseph Smith and short-sleeved, white shirts and you're into Hallal food and Burkhas - don't read this book. Catholics and Jews might be better off brushing it also. Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, Aztecs, Pagans, Druids, Rastafarians and Brahmans - no problems. Yezidis shouldn't go there...

Besides that, I do have another confession to make regarding The Tesla Legacy. I get an amazing number of letters from women - young, old, in the military, hairdressers, housewives, cops - all sorts. They really dig my books and some of the letters are absolutely delightful. They make my day. One young girl around 20 wrote to tell me she had helped herself to her father's books and now she's hooked and wants more. So in appreciation of the women reading my books, I oriented The Tesla Legacy towards women. This doesn't mean it's a Victoria Holt bodice-ripper or a steamy, Jackie Collins kind of deal. I'm a bloke and there's plenty in The Tesla Legacy for blokes. But I just created this fit, gritty character with a wonderfully insouciant sense of humour in Jesse Osbourne. And I believe the chemistry between Jesse and Mick is fabulous. In fact, there's a scene on a mountain in the book and after I'd written it, tears were pouring down my face into the computer - it was that emotional. I can't give anything away, but a couple of the young ladies at HarperCollins who read the book told me that if the scene had gone the other way, they would have dragged me out into the courtyard and given it to me with there ten-hole Doc Martens! So if I can squeeze a few tears out of my readers in the course of this book, I'll be very happy. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here and state - that besides all the action, snappy dialogue and intrigue - The Tesla Legacy is also a warm-hearted, feel-good love story. And there ain't nothing wrong with love... Plus it's got an ending like no other book you've ever read. Guaranteed.

So apart from that, what else has been happening? Not much. The bar I used to hang out at in Terrigal has closed because of the curfew. And if you hang around Terrigal on your own at night waiting for a taxi, you take the chance of getting beaten to a pulp by gangs of poor, young, neglected unfortunates with nothing better to do, So I haven't been going out.

About the biggest highlight of my life lately was when the NSW Police Union had a conference at the Crowne Plaza in Terrigal and asked me if I would be the guest speaker. So I did. Hundreds of half-drunk wallopers seated in a convention room and the first thing I said after I was introduced and got up to the podium was, 'Well. Who would have thought. Me, Robert G. Barrett standing up here in front of a room full of filthy rotten coppers.' After that I had them. But it was a real good piss-take - I had a lot of fun and was glad to oblige. Because no matter what people think of cops, all up - I reckon they do a pretty good job under difficult circumstances. Though I'm still a bit filthy on them from when I was cutting out parking fines in Gosford gaol. No-brand curried prawns and rice for breakfast I can handle, but there was no need to nuke the container in a microwave till it arrived at my cell resembling something leftover from Hiroshima!

I went to another bit of a soiree at Circular Quay in Sydney. All the heavy hitters from HarperCollins in New York were in town. So being one of HarperCollins' top sellers - I was invited along. I even wore my pink, Barbara Cartland boa for the occasion! And it was here that I met my latest best friend - Lachlan Murdoch. But what a good bloke! I know if I was him and some wheezing, bald author came up and asked to get a photo with him, I would have told the bastard to #@%*$! off! Not him. I wonder if I could ask his old man for a raise? Anyway, considering I only drank mineral water because I had to drive home - it was a pretty good night.

I got a letter from a digger in Afghanistan (I'd better not mention his name) wanting some books for himself and his mates. I imagine the diggers look up my website on the www. So if you're on duty in Afghanistan and you're reading this - I've organised the books through my generous publishers and they'll be on their way soon. I got another letter from Iraq and this terrific photo of three diggers all armed to the teeth hanging out of a kid's ride helicopter. It's a crack up and do you think I can find the bloody thing? As soon as I do, I'm putting it straight up on the web.

Anybody else reading this in Newcastle or QLD, I'll be in Newcastle and Tuggerah touring The Tesla Legacy and signing books on October 31st and Brisbane November 9th and the Gold Coast November 10th and 11th. So if you're around that way then and you want to come up and say hello and get a book signed (any book, I don't mind. I'll even sign books written by other authors!), I'd be only too pleased to meet you.

Talking about books. When the tour's over and I get things sorted out, I'm going to write another Les Norton called... The Case of the Talking Pie Crust. It's based around a stolen film script and a Sydney cartoonist from the fifties called Emile Mercier. Emile Mercier had the zaniest sense of humour and managed to capture and send up the stodginess of Australia in the fifties. He had a comic character called Super Dooper Man and the Case of the Singing Pie Crust. That's all I know at this stage till I start my research. But the book will be very Sydney, very Bondi and very, very politically incorrect. This time I'll probably have to put another warning on the back for minority groups. Warning - don't read this book if you're a one-legged Jewish dwarf with AIDS and a hare lip - sort of thing...

So that's about it for the time being. Don't forget - as well as the book - this is the year of the Tesla. There's a movie coming out with David Bowie. I believe there's a big Tesla convention in New York and the Americans are bringing out an electric car called the Tesla Roadster. I hate to mention the word conspiracy - but they could have brought something like it out 80 years ago. Read The Tesla Legacy to find out why...

Don't forget, Team Norton T-shirts and caps are still available at: PO Box 382, Terrigal, NSW 2260. Just make sure you include your phone number in case the ones you want aren't available. And if you want autographed books, get in touch with Robyn at the Just Read It Book Shop in Terrigal. Phone: 02 4385 9155.

Thanks for reading my books and until next time...

All the best,

Bob Barrett
November 2006