So What Do You Reckon?
ISBN: 0732259614

It's Time to Munch our Moggies

My old moggie Achmet has snuffed it. I got up and there he was underneath the car in the driveway, dead as a roll-mop.

I don’t know what he died of but it definitely wasn’t hard work or over-exercise. Achmet had the best lifestyle of any cat going around. All he did was eat, sleep, lay in the long grass and chase the occasional lizard.

Nine years I had the old bludger. He was a good mate and, living the hermit’s existence I do, he was one of the only mates I had. He was a good bloke and I’ll miss him, both me and his tortoiseshell girlfriend, Beryl, from up the road.

And if I were to say I didn’t shed a tear or two when I prepared Achmet for life’s big journey I would be telling a lie. RIP Achmet. You were a good mate and I loved you.

Anyway, as I was out there in the backyard, beneath the leaden skies, lowering Achmet into the cold, cold ground, a couple of thoughts occurred to me.

What about all these so-called animal lovers who get pets on a whim, keep them for a while then when they’re sick of them dump them out at the RSPCA to be put down? Did you know that, according to the RSPCA, in the next 10 years 2.75 million pets will be destroyed throughout Australia? And in the past 45 years the RSPCA has had to slaughter almost 20 million cats and dogs? That’s sick.

There are trendies out there, mainly in the cities, who buy dogs as a fashion whim or a status symbol. I can see their point though. What could be trendier than to be seen strolling the streets of Paddington in a nice new, blue and grey Ca Va tracksuit with a matching Weimaraner?

Or how absolutely so with-it to be spotted parking your iridescent brown Nissan 4WD on the footpath (that’s what 4WD cars are used for in the city) then alighting in a beige Calvin Kline windcheater with two matching Afghans? Or how simply marvellous to be noticed in a Double Bay or Toorak coffee shop in a fur coat with a nicely contrasting pair of French poodles?

I’ve even heard of women pissing off their dogs and cats when they get a new lounge because the poor bloody things don’t match the colour. You wonder how these arseholes live with themselves.

Then, as I sent Achmet to that great box of Whiskettes in the sky, another thought struck me. Even though my heart’s breaking I’m still on the lookout for an earner. What happens to all those skins and meat?

There’s a bloody fortune in pelts going to waste out there. And the first half-smart business man/woman who doesn’t mind getting a bit of dirt on their hands is going to make a bomb.

I’ve worked boning kangaroos and helped to skin them — doing dogs and cats couldn’t be any worse. It’d be a doddle.

Work it out. The RSPCA bowls over around 4000 cats and dogs a week. Think how many jackets, hats and gloves that would make? I’m fair dinkum. There are rich Seppos and Japs with more money than brains who would pay a fortune for a padded jacket made out of red cattle dog or blue heeler.

How about a nice double-breasted number with full collar made from Australian leather and inlaid with strips of cross kelpie labrador? These designer clothes would be the talk of Tokyo and Fifth Avenue.

One-upmanship is all these mugs are after. Imagine Jane Fonda doing her workout on TV in a pair of Down Under brand Rottweiler leg warmers. She’d be a sensation. G-strings for all those poofs in San Francisco made out of silky terriers. Wouldn’t that tickle their fancies?

Then there’s all that lovely, juicy, tender meat. They eat cats in certain parts of China and the Koreans would walk barefoot across broken glass for a cheap feed of dog meat.

Some people with racist tendencies pooh-pooh the Koreans for eating dogs. But why shouldn’t they? Isn’t this all part of this multiculturalism thing we’re supposed to cop whether we like it or not? To deny these potential customers a nice feed of cat or dog is tantamount to vile, wretched racism. If they want to eat cats and dogs good luck to them.

Crispy skin Australian moggie; sounds all right to me. It could be the new taste sensation to sweep China. And imagine those Koreans ripping into a plate of gom luk cross-bred bull terrier kelpie in red bean sauce. I can see them drooling now.

So, though it pained me deeply to see my old mate Achmet toss tails, some good did come out of it. If ever I had the money I’d look into this - 2.75 million skins ain’t as crazy as you think. Divide that in half and that’s how many jackets you get at around $500 each. Plus the meat, at say $30 a kilo, and you’d watch the cash roll in.

First published in People magazine February 20, 1990
So What Do You Reckon published 1997